Let's Talk - this mil and that dil

I've long had an idea to do a Let's Talk about marriage. Something along the lines of what are your top marriage tips. That's looking really generic in light of what I have to share with you. It's gonna be like a word problem, but don't let that scare you. There is no correct answer and work won't be graded. :-)

Let's give these characters some names. Nah, that will confuse the issue. I will barely be able to keep this straight. Here we go. A young woman's best friend married the young woman's brother. They're now sisters-in-law, obvi. The mother of the young woman/sister and brother/husband doesn't like the new dil. She hasn't liked this best friend as long as she's been friends with her daughter (7+ yrs or so?) and wasn't excited that the best friend married the son. The new dil has made no attempts to get to know her new mother-in-law (mil). In fact, dil pretty much avoids conversation with mil just as she did in the the past. The mil has tried to talk to her a little bit, but not a ton more than she did in the past. Thanksgiving has come and gone with no bonding of any sort. No one in the family likes the new dil except the brother/husband and the best friend. Other people are just not 'feeling her,' including the husband's friends.


I didn't know there were books on the subject, but of course there are! Titles are nice, but the real juice is usually in the secondary title after the colon.

*   A Wife's Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband's Loyalty Without Killing His Parents (see the juice!)

* Forced to Be Family: A Guide for Living with Sinister Sisters, Drama Mamas, and Infuriating In-Laws (oh the juice, baggage much?)

* In-Law Relationships: The Chapman Guide to Becoming Friends with Your In-Laws (not so juicy)

* The Mother-in-Law's Manual: Proven Strategies for Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships with Married Children (sounds more sane than juicy)

Recap: Mil doesn't like new dil. Family also doesn't like new dil except for daughter, who is best friends w/dil. Dil hasn't specifically done anything wrong, per se, but is definitely not making any attempt to get to know the family or figure out where she fits in. Dil quite snippy at times, in fact and has never come off as open, warm or kind. Marriage was after a couple months courtship. Tension is unspoken, but in the air between mil and dil. Mil is not convinced union will last and is concerned about kids being born into the picture. Mil wants son to be happy whether she likes dil or not and doesn't feel he is, even though he says he is. First marriage for dil. Second marriage for son. No kids right now. Interestingly, dil has an MS in social work, actively using it in her profession and the family is expecting her to be a little more...communicative, I suppose.

I'm a believer that you marry the family, not just the person. It doesn't matter how much you love your spouse, you married his/her family, too. Even if they don't live in town or nearby, they are a part of their identity. There are family dynamics and you just have to get in where you fit in. If it isn't an instant fit or gel, figure out how to make it work. In my experience, some men will be veeeeerrrry concerned w/what their moms think when all is said and done. I would not put that type of man in the position of making a choice between two people. I have an excellent relationship w/my mil and we happen to be a lot alike. However, I learned there are things that I just don't say to her about him and vice versa. No pointing out contradictions, for example. She carried him for 9 months and still carries him in her heart...kwim...? He pretty much can do no wrong. And even if he does, he's still right. At least by her. *lol*

What do you prescribe -- if anything -- for this situation, esp based on personal experience?

Let's talk...

♥